I knew! I knew that something was not right with her the second I laid my eyes on her. I was inundated with fear, horror, alarm, panic, and grief. Every negative thought flooded my mind like a tsunami within seconds of her birth. I was supposed to be rejoicing, the euphoria that I typically felt after laboring for hours and releasing a baby from my body was not there. I knew that she was developmentally delayed. I spoke my concerns boldly to the nurse as they whisked her away to be rubbed down and swaddled (there was no skin to skin back then). The next morning the pediatrician came in and said something to the affect of, "It may be something called cri du chat syndrome, but she should be fine, years ago children with like that were institutionalized but nowadays families tend to take care of them at home." Somewhere in between his biology lesson on the 5th chromosome the volume of his voice disappeared and then those familiar emotions jumped back into my chest without permission. The doctor wished me luck, left the room and I sat there stiff, being bullied by fear, horror, alarm, panic and grief. I was left alone with this beautiful baby girl who we named Gabrielle Elizabeth. She laid in my arms looking deep into my eyes as if she was reading the condition of my soul at that moment.
It was a long journey and I was often bullied by fear, horror, alarm, panic and grief. Those emotions would come several times a day with no invitation, no warning, no empathy. Those emotions bullied me at every doctors appoint, every missed developmental milestone, and every therapy appointment. I was bullied in the middle of the night, when I prayed, when I worshipped the Lord while singing, when I cooked dinner and on and on and on. One day it finally stopped. It took a long time for me to overpower the strength of postpartum anxiety and depression. I never got help. I suffered alone. Dear lady if you are depressed, full of anxiety, panic or any other postpartum concern, get help as soon as possible. There is help for postpartum concerns. At the age of 1 1/2 she was still not walking, the doctors said she would probably not walk until the age of 5. At the age of 2 1/2 with the help of Dr. Kara Paat from Chiropractic Advantage and Carolyn Johnson-Vincent her Physical Therapist from Thera-Peds she started walking. At the age of 15 Gabby ran her first race in the Spring Special Olympics and won first place. For my husband and I it was not just the first place win she earned that over whelmed our heart, it was the fact that we saw our baby girl running. It was something that we prayed and cried for years ago. Ain't God good?
Whatever goal you are trying to achieve in your life, do not stop running. Cry, yell, throw a fit because of the mental and emotional exhaustion you may be feeling. It is okay to feel emotions, as a matter of fact it is healthy to feel emotions. Do not allow your emotions to over take you though, keep running towards your goal. "We have all these great people around us as examples. Their lives tell us what faith means. So we, too, should run the race that is before us and never quit. We should remove from our lives anything that would slow us down and the sin that so often makes us fall (Hebrews 12:1)."
Shalom Aleichem